Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
