I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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