dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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