i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
