I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
