I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
