Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
