I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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