I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
