i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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