So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
