My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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