her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
