He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
