dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
