I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
