I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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