I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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