I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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