My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
