talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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