I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
