I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
