True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
