She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
