Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My dick has a subreddit
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
