I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
