this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.