i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
