help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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