Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
