believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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