we have pet lesbian snakes
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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