Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
