Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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