Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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