you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
