I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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