good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
