Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
