he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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