i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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