I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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