i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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