Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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