did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
