I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's a naked man in my car right now.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
