I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
