I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
