mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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