the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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