So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
