Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
