I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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