morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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