i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
