I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.