There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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