I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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