Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
