everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
