Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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