I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
