After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
