My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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