What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
