I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
